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TLC and the End of Civilization

Here are eight of the things I’ve learned since back in the day of Trading Spaces when your neighbors could turn your outdated living room into a stage set with a can of paint, some drapes and a handful of items from the Props Department.
 
1. What Not to Wear- A mom bob and $5k worth of blazers and pointy shoes can completely change your life.
 
2. Say Yes to the Dress – $5k is enough to buy you a wedding dress. From way in the back of the stockroom. By the dumpster. Maybe. As long as you don’t want lace. Or beading. Or a veil. Or alterations. Or shoes.
 
3. Four Weddings – Spending upwards of fifty thousand on your wedding does not guarantee that it won’t be a tacky mess.
 
4. Moving Up- If you are perfectly happy with changes the new homeowners made to your former home, Doug Wilson will poke until he finds something that ticks you off.
 
5. Toddlers and Tiaras- If you spend four hours spray-tanning your three year old and squeezing her into a scaled down version of a Vegas cocktail dress, you will not have time to run a comb through your hair and change into a clean sweatshirt.
 
6. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo- The Mayans were right.
 
7. Long Island Medium- There are dead people. Their loved ones want to know that they are at peace. If you use enough hair and nail chemicals, a Saturnlike ring will form around you, forming a conduit to the netherworld.
 
8. Abby & Brittany- Maybe I don’t know as much about Quality of Life as I think I do.
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2 comments on “TLC and the End of Civilization

  1. This is awesome! I literally laughed out loud :)
    I always look forward to your blog.

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