Here are eight of the things I’ve learned since back in the day of Trading Spaces when your neighbors could turn your outdated living room into a stage set with a can of paint, some drapes and a handful of items from the Props Department.
1. What Not to Wear- A mom bob and $5k worth of blazers and pointy shoes can completely change your life.
2. Say Yes to the Dress – $5k is enough to buy you a wedding dress. From way in the back of the stockroom. By the dumpster. Maybe. As long as you don’t want lace. Or beading. Or a veil. Or alterations. Or shoes.
3. Four Weddings – Spending upwards of fifty thousand on your wedding does not guarantee that it won’t be a tacky mess.
4. Moving Up- If you are perfectly happy with changes the new homeowners made to your former home, Doug Wilson will poke until he finds something that ticks you off.
5. Toddlers and Tiaras- If you spend four hours spray-tanning your three year old and squeezing her into a scaled down version of a Vegas cocktail dress, you will not have time to run a comb through your hair and change into a clean sweatshirt.
6. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo- The Mayans were right.
7. Long Island Medium- There are dead people. Their loved ones want to know that they are at peace. If you use enough hair and nail chemicals, a Saturnlike ring will form around you, forming a conduit to the netherworld.
8. Abby & Brittany- Maybe I don’t know as much about Quality of Life as I think I do.