You know the ones I’m talking about. They look like sassy little flats, but they have that unmistakable Croc sponginess.

Don’t do that.

Don’t wear those. If you like Crocs, wear Crocs. Own  your love of their bulbous sponginess. Don’t try to hide behind non-Croc-shaped-Crocs. Be the Crocs.

I tried Crocs on once, but the texture gave me the heebie-jeebies, so I had to whip them back off and do that overly dramatic shuddery thing you have to do whenever something gives you the heebie-jeebies.

The other Famous Footwear patrons probably would have looked at me strangely if they weren’t already avoiding me because moments ago, I had been stomping around the store proclaiming that footwear that goes between your toes is an instrument of torture designed by Satan.

You can only repeat, “If we wear flip-flops the terrorists win!” so many times before people start to think there is something wrong with you.

Don’t mistake my distain for Crocs as a disrespect for comfortable shoes in general. I’m all about comfortable shoes. My favorite shoes are Born clogs and Converse lo-tops.

I own no FMP shoes. My shoes fall more into the “FMP-no?-how-about-if-I-give-you-five-dollars?” category.

If you’re going to wear Crocs, wear Crocs.